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WHY GOD CREATED DOGS & CATS


A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to "Where do pets come from?"  Adam said, "Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me every day.  Now I do not see you anymore. I am lonesome here & it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me."   And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever & who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as are & will love you as I do, in spite of yourself."  And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam.  And it was a animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam & he wagged his tail. And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom & I cannot think of a name for this new animal."  And God said, "No problem! Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a  reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."  And Dog lived with Adam & was a companion to him & loved him.  And Adam was  comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content & wagged his tail.  After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the Lord & said, "Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts & preens like a peacock & he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but perhaps too well."  And the Lord said, "No problem! I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever & who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not always worthy of adoration."   And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not obey Adam.  And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he was not the supreme being. And Adam learned humility.   And God was pleased.   And Adam was greatly improved. And Dog was happy. And  the cat didn't give a shit one way or the other.

From:  Cousin Mac Elliott in Texas.  Thanks Mac!)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

> "Cat Commandments"
> >> >
> >> > Thou shall not jump onto the keyboard when
> >> > thy human is on the computer.
> >> >
> >> > Thou shall not pull the phone cord out of the
> >> > back of the modem.
> >> >
> >> > Thou shall not unroll all of the toilet paper off
> >> > the roll.
> >> >
> >> > Thou shall not sit in front of the television or
> >> > monitor as if thou art transparent.
> >> >
> >> > Thou shall not fire projectile hair balls from the top
> >> > of the refrigerator.
> >> >
> >> > Thou shall not walk in on a dinner party and
> >> > commence licking thy butt.
> >> >
> >> > Thou shall not lie down with thy butt in thy
> >> > human's face.
> >> >
> >> > Thou shall not leap from great heights onto thy
> >> > human's genital region.
> >> >
> >> > Fast as thou art, thou cannot run through closed
> >> > doors.
> >> >
> >> > Thou shall not reset thy human's alarm clock
> >> > by walking on it.
> >> >
> >> > Thou shall not climb on the garbage can with
> >> > the hinged lid, as thee will fall in and trap thyself.
> >> >
> >> > Thou shall not jump onto the toilet seat just as
> >> > thy human is sitting down.
> >> >
> >> > Thou shall not jump onto thy sleeping human's
> >> > bladder at 4 a.m.
> >> >
> >> > Thou shall realize that the house is not a prison
> >> > from which to escape at any opportunity.
> >> >
> >> > Thou shall not trip thy humans even if they are
> >> > walking too slow.
> >> >
> >> > Thou shall not push open the bathroom door
> >> > when there are guests in thy house.
> >> >
> >> > Thou shall remember that thou are a carnivore,
> >> > houseplants are not meat.
> >> >
> >> > Thou shall pee only in thy litter box.
> >> >
> >> > Thou shall attempt to show remorse when being
> >> > scolded.

From:  Leslie Hamby - Washington County, Missouri       Thanks Leslie!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Mrs.  Davidson's dishwasher quits working so she calls a repairman.  Since she has to go to work the next day, she tells him, "I'll leave the key under the mat.  Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you the check.


Oh, by the way, don't worry about my bulldog; he won't bother you.  But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!"
When the repairman arrives at Mrs.  Davidson's apartment the next day, he discovers the biggest and meanest bulldog he has ever seen.


But just as she said, the dog just lays there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his business.  The parrot, however, drives him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing, and name-calling.  Finally the repairman can't contain himself any longer and yells, "Shut up, you stupid ugly bird!"
To which the parrot replies, "Get him, Spike!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Cat's New Year's Resolutions

My human will never let me eat her pet hamster, and I
am at peace with that.

I will not puff my entire body to twice its size for
no reason after my human has finished watching a horror movie.

I will not slurp fish food from the surface of the aquarium.

I must not help myself to Q-tips, and I must certainly
not proceed to stuff them down the sink's drain.

I will not eat large numbers of assorted bugs, then come
home and puke them up so the humans can see that I'm getting
plenty of roughage.

I will not lean way over to drink out of the tub, fall in,
and then pelt right for the box of clumping cat litter. (It
took FOREVER to get the stuff out of my fur.)

I will not stand on the bathroom counter, stare down the
hall, and growl at NOTHING after my human has finished
watching The X-Files.

I will not fish out my human's partial plate from the glass
so that the dog can "wear" it and pretend to be my human.
(It is somewhat unnerving to wake up, roll over in bed, and
see the dog grinning at you with your own teeth.)

I will not use the bathtub to store live mice for late-night snacks.

I will not drag dirty socks up from the basement in the
middle of the night, deposit them on the bed and yell at
the top of my lungs (Burmese LOUD yowling) so that my human
can admire my "kill."

I will not perch on my human's chest in the middle of the
night and stare into her eyes until she wakes up.

We will not play Herd of Thundering Wildebeests Stampeding
Across the Plains of the Serengeti over any humans' bed while
they're trying to sleep.

Screaming at the can of food will not make it open itself.

I cannot leap through closed windows to catch birds outside.
If I forget this and bonk my head on the window and fall
behind the couch in my attempt, I will not get up and do
the same thing again.

I will not assume the patio door is open when I race outside
to chase leaves.

I will not back up off the front porch and fall into the bushes
just as my human is explaining to his girlfriend how graceful I am.

I will not complain that my bottom is wet and that I am thirsty
after sitting in my water bowl.

I will not intrude on my human's candle-lit bubble bath and
singe my bottom.

I will not stick my paw into any container to see if there is
something in it. If I do, I will not hiss and scratch when my
human has to shave me to get the rubber cement out of my fur.

If I bite the cactus, it will bite back.

It is not a good idea to try to lap up the powdered creamer
before it dissolves in boiling coffee.

When I am chasing my tail and catch my back leg instead, I will
not bite down on my foot. This hurts, and my scream scares my human.

When it rains, it will be raining on all sides of the house.
It is not necessary to check every door.

Birds do not come from the bird feeder. I will not knock it down
and try to open it up to get the birds out.

I will not stuff my rather large self into the rather small bird
feeder (with my tail hanging out one side) and expect the birds
to just fly in.

I will not teach the parrot to meow in a loud and raucous manner.

The dog can see me coming when I stalk her. She can see me and
will move out of the way when I pounce, letting me smash into
floors and walls. That does not mean I should take it as a
personal insult when my humans sit there and laugh.

Yes, there are still two very large dogs in the backyard. There
have been for several years. I don't have to act as if I've just
discovered the Demon Horror of the Universe each time one of
them appears in my window.

I will not play "dead cat on the stairs" while people are trying
to bring in groceries or laundry, or else one of these days, it
will really come true.

When the humans play darts, I will not leap into the air and
attempt to catch them.

I will not swat my human's head repeatedly when she's on the
family room floor trying to do sit ups.

When my human is typing at the computer, her forearms are *not*
a hammock.

Computer and TV screens do not exist to backlight my lovely tail.

I am a walking static generator. My human doesn't need my help
installing a new board in her computer.

I will not bring the city police to the front door by stepping
on the speaker phone button and then the automatic 911 dial
button.

I will not speed dial the overseas numbers.

I will not walk on the keyboard when my human is writing
important emiognaioerp ga3qi4 taija3tgv aa35 a.

Any critter that lives in the house (hamsters), stay in the
house and any wild critters (frogs and earthworms) stay outside.
I am not allowed to set the hamster free in exchange for
finding a frog to put in the fish tank.

I will not stalk the deer in the apple orchard next door.
They have sharp hooves and could hurt me if they weren't
laughing so hard.

I will not watch the guinea pig constantly as the guinea pig
likes to sleep once in a while.

The goldfish likes living in water and should be allowed to
remain in its bowl.

I will not put a live mole in my food bowl and expect it to
stay there until I get hungry.

I will not eat spider plants and hallucinate behind the
toilet.

I will not drag the magnets (and the papers they are holding
up) off of the refrigerator and then bat them underneath it
so that they adhere to the underside.

I will learn to relax at the vet's office so they will start
writing things in my records like "Good Kitty" and "Sweet Kitty"
instead of the stuff that's there now like "MEAN!!" "BITER!!!"
and "GET HELP!!!!!"

I will not be miffed at my human all day and then kiss her on
the nose at 2:00 a.m. to tell her that she is forgiven and can
now pet me.

I will not scratch the children of lawyers, no matter how much
they chase me or how hard they pull my tail.

If I MUST claw my human, I will not do it in such a fashion that
the scars resemble a botched suicide attempt.

If I must give a present to my human's overnight guests, my toy
mouse is much more socially acceptable than a big live cockroach,
even if it isn't as tasty.

From: Cousin Bill Jackson
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What is a Cat?
>>    1) Cats do what they want.
>>    2) They rarely listen to you.
>>    3) They're totally unpredictable.
>>    4) They whine when they are not happy.
>>    5) When you want to play, they want to be alone.
>>    6) When you want to be alone, they want to play.
>>    7) They expect you to cater to their every whim.
>>    8) They're moody.
>>    9) They leave hair everywhere.
>>    10) They drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg.
>>
>>     Conclusion: They're tiny little women in fur coats.
>>
>>What is a Dog?
>>    1. Dogs lie around all day, sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house
>>    2. They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don't hear you when you're in the same room.
>>    3. They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.
>>    4. They growl when they are not happy.
>>    5. When you want to play, they want to play.
>>    6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
>>    7. They are great at begging.
>>    8. They will love you forever if you rub their tummies.
>>    9. They leave their toys everywhere.
>>    10.They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss.
>>
>>   Conclusion: They're little men in fur coats.....

(Another one from Cousin Mac!)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

LIFE LESSONS LEARNED FROM A DOG
> 1. If you stare at someone long enough, eventually you'll get what you
> want.
> 2. Don't go out without ID.
> 3. Be direct with people; let them know exactly how you feel by
piddling
> on their shoes.
> 4. Be aware of when to hold your tongue, and when to use it.
> 5. Leave room in your schedule for a good nap.
> 6. Always give people a friendly greeting. A cold nose in the crotch is
> effective.
> 7. When you do something wrong, always take responsibility (as soon as
> you're dragged out from under the bed).
> 8. If it's not wet and sloppy, it's not a real kiss.
>
> DOG PROPERTY LAWS
> If I like it, it's mine.
> If it's in my mouth, it's mine.
> If I can take it from you, it's mine.
> If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
> If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
> If I'm chewing something up, all the pieces are mine.
> If it just looks like mine, it's mine.
> If I saw it first, it's mine.
> If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically
> becomes mine.
> If it's broken, it's yours.
>
> HOW DOGS AND MEN ARE THE SAME:
> Both take up too much space on the bed.
> Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
> Both mark their territory.
> Neither tells you what's bothering them.
> The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.
> Both have an inordinate fascination with women's crotches.
> Neither does any dishes.
> Both fart shamelessly.
> Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.
> Both like dominance games.
> Both are suspicious of the postman.
> Neither understands what you see in cats.
>
> HOW DOGS ARE BETTER THAN MEN
> Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.
> Dogs miss you when you're gone.
> Dogs feel guilty when they've done something wrong.
> Dogs admit when they're jealous.
> Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
> Dogs do not play games with you--except fetch (and they never laugh at
> how you throw.)
> You can train a dog.
> Dogs are easy to buy for.
> The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas. (OK, the
really
> worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there's a vaccine
for
> it and you can kill the one that gives it to you).
> Dogs understand what "no" means.
> Dogs mean it when they kiss you.
>
> THE TOP TEN REASONS WHY A DOG IS BETTER THAN A WOMAN
> A dog's parents will never visit you.
> A dog loves you when you leave your clothes on the floor.
> A dog limits its time in the bathroom to a quick drink.
> A dog never expects you to telephone.
> A dog will not get mad at you if you forget its birthday.
> A dog does not care about the previous dogs in your life.
> A dog does not get mad at you if you pet another dog.
> A dog never expects flowers on Valentine's Day.
> The later you are, the happier a dog is to see you.
> A dog does not shop.

From:  Terry Nixon of Iowa.  Thanks Terry!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Cat Physics

Law of Cat Inertia:
A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside
force, such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.

Law of Cat Motion:
A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to
change direction.

Law of Cat Magnetism:
All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct proportion to
the darkness of the fabric.

Law of Cat Thermodynamics:
Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, in
which case all heat flows to the cat.

Law of Cat Stretching:
A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just
taken.

Law of Cat Sleeping:
All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as
uncomfortable for the people involved as is possible for the cat.

Law of Cat Elongation:
A cat can make his body long enough to reach just about any counter top that
has anything remotely interesting on it.

Law of Cat Acceleration:
A cat will accelerate at a constant rate, until he gets good and ready to stop.

Law of Dinner Table Attendance:
Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served.

Law of Rug Configuration:
No rug may remain in its naturally flat state for very long.

Law of Obedience Resistance:
A cat's resistance varies in proportion to a human's desire for him to do
something.

First Law of Energy Conservation:
Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will,
therefore, use as little energy as possible.

Second Law of Energy Conservation:
Cats also know that energy can only be stored by a lot of napping.

Law of Refrigerator Observation:
If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and take
out something good to eat.

Law of Electric Blanket Attraction:
Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed at the speed of light.

Law of Random Comfort Seeking:
A cat will always seek, and usually take over, the most comfortable spot in
any given room.

Law of Bag / Box Occupancy:
All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest
possible nanosecond.

Law of Cat Embarrassment:
A cat's irritation rises in direct proportion to his embarrassment times the
amount of human laughter.

Law of Milk Consumption:
A cat will drink his weight in milk, squared, just to show you he can.

Law of Furniture Replacement:
A cat's desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost
of the furniture.

Law of Cat Landing:
A cat will always land in the softest place possible.

Law of Cat Disinterest:
A cat's interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of
effort a human expends in trying to interest him.

Law of Pill Rejection:
Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape velocity.

Law of Cat Composition:
A cat is composed of Matter + Antimatter + It Doesn't Matter.

From: Cousin Bill Jackson - Kansas City    Thanks Bill!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


A Cat's 12 Days of Christmas:

On the twelfth day of Christmas my human gave to me:

Twelve bags of catnip!
Eleven tasty cat treats,
Ten ornaments hanging,
Nine wads of tissue,
Eight peacock feathers,
Seven stolen Q-tips,
Six feathered balls,
Five MILK JUG RINGS!
Four munchy house plants,
Three running faucets,
Two fuzzy mousies,
And a hamste-e-er in a plastic ball

From:  Another one from Cousin Bill

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A puppy's love is unconditional
((from the view of a puppy..........))

This morning, I woke up & kissed my dad's head. I peed on the carpet,
then went back to bed. "The life of a puppy, oh my, this is great." Then
I thought about breakfast," I hope it's not late."

Mom took me outside, we walked for a while. This never fails to make
Mama smile.  I sniffed of everything, that we did pass, I ate something
weird - it gave me gas.

I'm sure God loves me, I know that is true. He gave me so many great
things to chew. Rugs, plants or rocks, I really don't care. What I truly like
best, is Dad's underwear. That obedience book, was sort of yummy.
Though it didn't sit well on my poor puppy tummy. I threw up a bit, but
that was all right, When Mom found it later, I was well out of sight.

I made streamers of T.P., while running at full speed.  Mom is pretty
quick-but I was still in the lead. I flew under the bed, and Mom flew past,
she stopped-shook her head, and breathed, "You're too fast."
Mama later phoned Daddy, and said, "It was frightening!"

That afternoon, she was sure I'd pooped lighting. She'd sat at the
computer, while I chewed the cord, She thought I was mad, but I
was just bored.  When Mama had enough, couldn't take anymore,
that's when my tushy got shoved out the door.

I love it inside, but outside is best. Lay in the cool grass, and had a
good rest. That didn't last long, there was too much to do- Can't quite
remember where I hid Daddy's shoe. I found an old bone, and
scratched at a flea, I watched the dumb squirrels as they jumped in
a tree. I barked at the kids, when they got off the bus. I can't figure
out why this makes Mama fuss. I barked at the neighbor, I barked at
the wind. I barked and barked, till Mom yelled, "COME IN."

The sun dipped in the west-soon Daddy would come! I sure love
my daddy: we always have fun. I barked at my daddy, then turned
on my charms, I woo-wooed, "Hello," then jumped in his arms.
Sitting under the table - it's sooo hard to wait. Daddy slipped me a
goodie right off his plate.

I raced through the house, and scattered my toys, Ricocheted off
the furniture, and made lots of noise.  Mom found her purse - the
one I abused.  Daddy let loose a chuckle. Mom asked "Amused??"
I cowered down low, I must be in trouble. Dad said, "Wasn't MY boy,
it must be his double!"

Mom turned off the TV, and said,"Time for bed." Dad said "Let's go
boy," and patted my head. I got in my spot, between Mom and Dad,
I thought 'bout my day and what fun I had. Mama kicked out my bone
from the covers below, Then let loose a sigh-a sigh deep and low.
She gave me a kiss, and snuggled me tight, And whispered so softly,
'My sweet boy Goodnight."

From: Bill Jackson

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

THOUGHTS ON CATS:

"Managing senior programmers is like herding cats."
  - Dave Platt

"There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast."
  - Anonymous

"Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods.
  Cats have never forgotten this."
  - Anonymous

"Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight
  cats to pull a sled through snow."
  - Jeff Valdez

"In a cat's eye, all things belong to cats."
  - English proverb

"As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat."
  - Ellen Perry Berkeley

"Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God."

"One cat just leads to another."
  - Ernest Hemingway

"Dogs come when they're called; cats take a
  message and get back to you later."
  - Mary Bly

"Cats are rather delicate creatures and they
  are subject to a good many ailments, but I
  never heard of one who suffered from insomnia."
  - Joseph Wood Krutch

"People that hate cats, will come back as mice
  in their next life."
  - Faith Resnick

"There are many intelligent species in the universe.
  They are all owned by cats."
  - Anonymous

"I have studied many philosophers and many cats.
  The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior."
  - Hippolyte Taine

"There are two means of refuge from the miseries
  of life: music and cats."
  - Albert Schweitzer

"The cat has too much spirit to have no heart."
  - Ernest Menaul

"Time spent with cats is never wasted."
  - Colette

"No heaven will not ever Heaven be; Unless
  my cats are there to welcome me."
  - Anonymous

"Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil,
  and cruel. True, and they have many other fine
  qualities as well."
  - Missy Dizick

"You will always be lucky if you know how to
  make friends with strange cats."
  - Colonial American proverb

"Cats seem to go on the principle that it never
  does any harm to ask for what you want."
  - Joseph Wood Krutch

"Cats aren't clean, they're just covered with cat spit."
  - John S. Nichols

"Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are
  subtle and will piss on your computer."
  - Bruce Graham

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Cat in Heaven
>
> One day, a cat dies of natural causes and goes to
> heaven, where he meets the Lord Himself.
>
> The Lord says to the cat, "You lived a good life, and if
> there is any way I can make your stay in heaven more
> comfortable, please let me know."
>
> The cat thinks for a moment and says, "Lord, all my
> life I have lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a
> hard wooden floor."
>
> The Lord stops the cat and says, "Say no more," and
> a wonderful, fluffy pillow appears.
>
> A few days later, six mice are killed in a tragic
> farming accident, and all of them go to heaven. Again, the
> Lord is there to greet them with the same offer.
>
> The mice answer, "All our lives we have been chased.
> We have had to run from cats, dogs, and even women with
> brooms. Running, running, running; we're tired of running. Do
> you think we could have roller skates so that we don't have
> to run anymore?"
>
> The Lord says, "Say no more" and fits each mouse
> with beautiful new roller skates.
>
> About a week later, the Lord stops by to see the cat
> and finds him snoozing on the pillow.
>
> The Lord gently wakes the cat and asks him, "How are
> things since you got here?"
>
> The cat stretches and yawns, then replies, "It is
> wonderful here. Better than I could have ever expected. And
> those 'Meals On Wheels' you've been sending by are the best!"

From: Pat Ramsey

 

A DOG'S RESOLUTIONS
====
I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the
toilet.
====
The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.
====
I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under
the coffee table.
====
I will not roll my toys behind the fridge.
====
I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE entering the
house.
====
I will not eat the cats' food, before or after they eat it.
====
I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean
carpet in the house when I am about to throw up.
====
I will not throw up in the car.
====
I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc.
====
I will not lick my human's face after eating animal poop.
====
"Kitty box crunchies" are not food.
====
I will not eat any more socks and then redeposit them in the
backyard after processing.
====
The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.
====
I will not wake Mommy up by sticking my cold, wet nose in her
bottom.
====
I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.
====
I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or
my people will think I am hemorrhaging.
====
When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled
down when it's raining outside.
====
We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one
on TV.
====
I will not steal my Mom's underwear and dance all over the
backyard with it.
====
The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mom & Dad's laps.
====
My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
====
I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's
driver's license and car registration.

From: Cousin Bill Jackson
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man is sitting in a plane which is about to take-off when another man with a dog occupies the empty seats alongside. The dog is sat in the middle, and the first man is looking quizzically at the dog when the second man explains that they work for the airline.

The dog handler says to the first man, "Don't mind Rover he is a sniffer dog, the best there is, I'll show you once we get airborne and I set him to work."  The plane takes off and levels out when the handler says to the first man "Watch this." He tells the dog "Rover, search."  The dog jumps down, walks along the aisle and sits next to a woman for a few seconds, it then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the handler's arm.  He says "Good boy." He turns to the first man and says, "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of this, and the seat number, for the police who will apprehend her on arrival."   "Fantastic!" replies the first man.

Once again he sends the dog to search the aisles. The dog sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat and places both paws on the handler's arm.   He says "Good boy." He turns to the first man and says, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of this, and the seat number."   "That's marvelous, I've never seen anything like it!" says the first man.

Once again he sends the dog to search the aisles.  He goes up and down the plane aisle and after a while sits down next to someone, and then comes racing back and jumps up onto the seat and craps all over the place.  The first man is surprised and disgusted by this, and asks "What the world is going on?"  The handler replies, "He's just found a bomb!"

From:  Birdygirl
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Subject: dog exercises

You've seen those ads on TV promising amazing results from all sorts
of contraptions. Well, there's no need to invest in fancy equipment. If
you have (or can borrow) a dog, you have everything you need to get in
shape now!!! The following exercises can be done anywhere, anytime.

Inner Thighs: Place the dog's favorite toy between thighs. Press tighter
than the dog can pull. Do not attempt bare legged - dogs who favor
shortcuts to success will just dig the toy out. You could be damaged.

Upper Body Strength: Lift the dog - off the couch, off the bed, out of the
flower bed. Repeat, repeat, repeat. As the dog ages, this exercise is
reversed - onto the couch, onto the bed, into the car and so on.

Balance and Coordination, Exercise 1: Remove your puppy from
unsuitable tight places. If they're too small for him, they're certainly too
small for you. Do it anyway!

Balance and Coordination, Exercise 2: Practice not falling when your
dog bounds across the full length of the room, sails through the air,
and slams both front paws into the back of your knees.

Balance and Coordination, Exercise 3: (for use with multiple dogs)
Remove all dogs from lap and answer the phone before it stops ringing.

Balance and Coordination, Exercise 4: (alternate) For older dogs,
attempt to cross a room without tripping over the dog. Get off your
couch without crushing any part of a sleeping elderly dog.

Upper Arms: Throw the ball. Throw the squeaky toy. Throw the Frisbee.
Repeat until nauseous.

Upper Arms: (alternate) Tug the rope. Tug the pull toy. Tug the sock.
Repeat until your shoulder is dislocated or the dog gives up
(we all know which comes first).

Hand Coordination: Remove foreign object from dog's locked jaw.
This exercise is especially popular with puppy owners. Repeat.
Repeat. Repeat. Remember, this is a timed exercise. Movements
must be quick and precise (think concert pianist) to prevent trips to
the vet, which only offer the minimal exercise benefit of jaw firming
clenches.

Calves: After the dog has worn out the rest of your body, hang a circular
toy on your ankle and let the dog tug while you tug back. WARNING:
This is feasible only for those with strong bones and small dogs. Have
you taken your calcium supplement today?

Calves: (alternate) Run after dog - pick any reason, there are plenty.
Dogs of any size can be used for this exercise. Greyhounds are inadvisable.

Neck Muscles: Attempt to outmaneuver the canine tongue headed for your
ear, mouth, or eyeball. This is a lifelong fitness program. A dog is never
too old or too feeble to "French Kiss" you when you least expect it.

From: Cousin Bill Jackson
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

DOG PET PEEVES ABOUT HUMANS

1.  When you run away in the middle of a perfectly good leg humping.

2.  Blaming your farts on me...not funny.

3.  Yelling at me for barking...  I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG YOU IDIOT!!

4.  How you naively believe that the stupid cat isn't all over everything
while you're gone.  (Have you noticed that your toothbrush tastes a little
like cat butt?)

5.  Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out.
Exactly who's walk is this anyway?

6.  Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose...stop it.

7.  Yelling at me for rubbing my ass on your carpet.  Why'd you buy
carpet?

8.  Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests.
Sorry but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet...idiot.

9.  How you act disgusted when I lick myself.  Look, we both know the
truth, you're just jealous.

10.  Dog sweaters.  Have you noticed the fur?  Imbecile.

11.  Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons.  Now you know why we
chew your stuff up when you're not home.

12.  When you pick up the crap piles in the yard.  Do you realize how
far behind schedule that puts me?

13.  Taking me to the vet for "the big snip", then acting surprised when
I freak out every time we go back.

14.  The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw.  You fooled a dog!
What a proud moment for the top of the food chain, you nitwit.

15.  Invisible fences.  Why do you insist on screwing with us?
To my knowledge, dogdom hasn't yet solved the visible fence problem!!

 

EXCERPTS FROM A DOG'S DIARY
Day number 180
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A BONE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 am - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:30 pm - ooooooo. bath. bummer.
3:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
4:00 pm - OH BOY! A CHEW TOY! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!

 

Animal Thoughts
---------------
After watching that imbecile on television who claims to know
what common household pets are thinking, it was decided that
we too, would do the impossible...

Dog: "They keep putting the lid down on the big water bowl."

Goldfish: "Just because I have a three-second memory, they
don't think I'll mind eating the same fish flakes over and
over............... Oh boy! Fish flakes!"

Dog: "Man, why do they keep rubbing my nose in it? I already
KNOW whose it is!"

Parrot: "Tease, tease, tease! But do those greedy clowns ever
really give me a cracker? HELL NO!"

Cat: "Why are these people in my house?"

Dog: "I don't care if you take the jewelry or money, but don't
mess with the fridge."

Dog: "The 'pretending to throw a stick' game is getting old,
but I seem unable to stop myself from looking for it."

Cat: "Why did they put this service bell on my neck if they're
not going to answer to it."

Dog: "Why is the baby eating my food..."

Hamster: "Kill me, this wheel is boring."

Iguana: "Oh great, another day of being in this small little
cage with my food bowl, my water and these annoying wood chips.

Dog "Man, my dog food looks exactly like my poo! Well if I'm
ever hungry I'll know there's plenty for me in the backyard..."

Dog "I bet if he could do that, he wouldn't be telling me to stop."

Cat "Oh no, he's picking me up to do another 'land on all fours
off the balcony' test again."

Bunny "I wonder if she will notice I pooped in her pillow case?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dog Tales

The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of  his tongue." - Anonymous

"Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful." - Ann Landers

"If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went." - Will Rogers

"There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face." - Ben Williams

"A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself." - Josh Billings

"The average dog is a nicer person than the average person." - Andrew A. Rooney

"We give dogs time we can spare, space we can spare and love we can spare. And in return, dogs give us their all. It's the best deal man has ever made." - M.Facklam

"If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons." - Thurber

"I wonder what goes through his mind when he sees us peeing in his water bowl." - Penny Ward Moser

"A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down." - Robert Benchley

"I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult." - Rita Rudner

"Dogs need to sniff the ground; it's how they keep abreast of current events. The ground is a giant dog newspaper, containing all kinds of late-breaking dog news items, which, if they are especially urgent, are often continued in the next yard." - Dave Barry

"Anybody who doesn't know what soap tastes like never washed a dog." - Franklin P. Jones

"If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise." - Unknown

"My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to $3.00 a can. That's almost $21.00 in dog money." - Joe Weinstein

"Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend; inside of a dog, it's too dark to read." - Groucho Marx

"Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul -- chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!" - Anne Tyler

"Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea." - Robert A. Heinlein

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Cats:

When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with
each other so there are still two of you in the way.  The dishes with the
paw print are yours and contain your food.  The other dishes are mine and
contain my food.  Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my
plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish,
nor do I find that pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack.  Beating me
to the bottom is not the object.  Tripping me doesn't help, because I fall
faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed.  I am very sorry about
this.  Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your
comfort.  Look at videos of cats sleeping, they can actually curl up in a
ball.  It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched
out to the fullest extent possible.  I also know that sticking tails
straightout and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space
used is nothing but sarcasm.

My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom.  If by
some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not
necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the
edge and try to pull the door open.  I must exit through the same door I
entered.  In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years; feline
attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is kiss me, then go lick your own butt.  I cannot stress
this enough.  It would be such a simple change for you.  To pacify you I
have posted the following message on our front door...

Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About Our Pets:
1.  They live here.  You don't.
2.  If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
3.  I like my pet a lot better than I like most people.
4.  To you, it's an animal.  To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who
is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.
5.  Dogs and cats are better than kids.  They eat less, don't ask for money
all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive
your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink,
don't worry about buying the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes,
don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and if they get pregnant, you
can sell the results.

 

IF I DIDN'T HAVE DOGS . . .

1) I could walk around safely barefoot in the dark;

2) My house could be carpeted instead of tiled and laminated;

3) All flat surfaces, clothing, furniture, and cars would be free of dog hair;

4) When the doorbell rings, it wouldn't sound like the SPCA kennels;

5) When the doorbell rings, I could get to the door without wading through four or five dog bodies who beat me there;

6) I could sit how I wanted  on the couch without taking into consideration  how much space several  fur bodies would need to get comfortable;

7) I would not have strange presents under my Christmas tree....like dog bones, stuffed animals or have to answer to people why I wrap them up;

8) I would not be on a first name basis with three vets;

9) The most used words in my vocabulary would not be: out,sit, down, come, no, and leave him/her ALONE;

10) My house would not be cordoned off into zones with baby gates or barriers;

11) My purse would not contain things like poo pick up bags, dog treats and an extra leash;

12) I would no longer have to spell the world B-A-L-L or F-R-I-S-B- E-E or W-A-L-K-I-E-S;

13) I would not buy weird things to stuff into "kongs", or have to explain why I'm buying them, or what a "kong" is;

14) I would not have as many leaves INSIDE my house as outside;

15) I would not look strangely at people who think having their ONE dog ties them down too much;

16) I would not have to answer the question why do I have so many dogs from people who will never have the joy in their life of knowing they are loved unconditionally by something as close to an angel as they will ever get. Who else has a friend who considers you the MOST important thing in the whole wide world all the time.



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